Goodbye

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“When my time comes

Forget the wrong I have done

Help me leave behind some

Reasons to be missed”

I guess we do get what we wish for in the end. Probably why they say be careful what you wish for.

Linkin Park is part my child hood and adolescent. I grew up with two songs, because that was all my hand me down mp3, of my brother could hold. One was “in the end” and other was “malal”. I can’t remember the lyrics only one line per song maximum. But I never forget the song the idea it left behind the tune of it. I did not become a LP fan right away, my brother and his friends listened to it and so I did too. Then came numb and crawling I thought they were too loud. I really did not understand them. I came back to numb because few years later the girl in that song was casted as lead in “Step up 2”. I again listened to that song and saw the video and that was when I became acquainted with the people of that band not just the voices. I was amazed by them .It was a boy band crush for me, only LP was not a boy band, they did not just churn out song after song with lyrics that rhymed but theirs were songs that meant something.

But I think the song I truly fell in love with was “My December” I was actually introduced to that song when I was searching for Abrar-ul-Haq’s song “bhiga bhiga sa ye December hai”. My December is one of their lesser works, one of their lesser songs but there are these lyrics in it

“This is my December
These are my snow covered trees
This is me pretending
This is all I need

And I
Just wish that I didn’t feel
Like there was something I missed”

I am not sure for how many months this stayed on repeat on my mp3 player. Again time moved on and school ended and it was start of college that I had radio on. Yep I was a very regular listener to the radio in those years. There was this song on

“God save us everyone,
Will we burn inside the fires of a thousand suns?
For the sins of our hands,
The sins of our tongues,
The sins of our fathers,
The sins of our young.
No!”

Song lyrics of “the catalyst” from their 2011 album the thousand suns. In my opinion their best work. After that I have not missed LP one album I have listened to them all again and again. LP is not my child hood or adolescent. It was my teens it is my tweens. I just 3 days ago harassed my friend to send me whole of their latest album released this May “One more Light”. This past weekend I was telling my friends how great “Invisible” from that album was. That it is the song I hear to while I work. I was talking to my brother who introduced me to the band telling him LP still has got it, they might have changed their genre but they are all together, their band is intact for the most part and they are awesome and relevant for the most part, that is more than most can say.

I guess I was too quick with my words. I guess I should have not said that. I guess I jinxed it. And now the voice of that band is gone.

So say goodbye and hit the road
Pack it up and disappear
You better have some place to go
‘Cause you can’t come back around here
Good goodbye
(Don’t you come back no more)

“Goodbye” from one more light.

This whole last album feels like on long goodbye note I guess no one really was listening even though there are millions of listeners. There is debate whether what he did to himself was right or wrong. It depends who you ask, my grandmother used to say you have to be person of extraordinary courage to be able to take your life. It is not easy thing to do, to hurt yourself. You know why suicide bombers are dangerous? Because they have no respect for life even their own. But how to you get to a place where you lose respect for your own life? Where you hate your own existence? Where your body and mind separate and your soul cracks? I don’t know. Because it never was that bad for me. Even though I have been joking about suicide with my friends for years sometimes seriously, at times just for fun, but it was never that bad. Even pressing knife on your wrist is scary it will hurt so much I would think. The idea of pain is scary. Holding your breath for too long is impossible. Idea of drinking poison causes phantom pain inside. How much pain one’s mind must be to overpower all those very real and painful physical pains.

Now how much pain all those left behind must be in? All those people who were his friends. Whose father he was and whose god father he was. Whose husband he was and whose colleague he was. For how long I wonder will they wonder about all the things they could have done to prevent this. To help it to fix this. So many ifs in their lives so many regrets so many memories good and bad.

There is this novel by Paulo Coelho “The winner stand alone” there is this philosophy in it, if one person dies, one world dies. I guess one world died today.

Should’ve stayed, were there signs, I ignored?
Can I help you, not to hurt, anymore?
We saw brilliance, when the world, was asleep
There are things that we can have, but can’t keep
If they say
Who cares if one more light goes out?
In the sky of a million stars
It flickers, flickers
Who cares when someone’s time runs out?
If a moment is all we are
Or quicker, quicker
Who cares if one more light goes out?
Well I do”

Lyrics of “One more Light”. It is said to be dedicated to his friend who also took his own life some months back.

Clutter of things

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Standing still in clutter of things

The memories of old stored in each bit

You carry some

Some you throw away

They weigh you down

But you keep them for the sake of old times

Or so you say whenever I ask you, why

But inside you try to find the reason everyday

On busier days you ponder late at night

Chasing away the sleep with tendrils of spite

Spite, you did not know you had before

Till you were among those things again

You still keep them and they remind you of what you had

I don’t know why it was better than what you have

When you do, would you let me know?

Till than I am sure you will stay awake

I can wait or walk away

Maybe I would be a memory you keep

Or a thing you throw away

I wish, I knew

I wish I could stay awake too

Share some of that burden with you

But the lights are bright

And night is not past yet

And you make me feel alone

And I know I don’t deserve to be left behind

So I will sleep but not leave

I guess, I am sucker for memories as well

Mistborn Trilogy

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I recently finished the Mistborn trilogy by Brandon Sanderson. I would recommend these books to everyone! It does not matter if you do not read fantasy or fiction. If you are someone who tries to form relation between,  what you read to what you know, feel and are told, the chances of this series disappointing you are pretty thin.

Reasons:

  1. The first book of the series, focuses on the world building. It focuses on the revolution against the governing system. The difference between the skaa(proletarian) and the nobility. It shows the hard side of revolution, where the revolutionaries are not just like Martin Luther King but also like Malcolm X. It is about how you can not put everyone in one box just because they belong to certain community. It is about how you need to know the other side of the story to get some what distorted picture of the truth(actually this concept is in all three books).
  2. The second book is post revolution. It is about political morality. About the morality of the law. How the best intentions to create an ideal environment can backfire if you don’t face the reality of the circumstances and consider the experience of others. How human nature is a variable that many theories are unable to put right value in. It is about leadership. And coming of age,maturing because of the events in your life than years.
  3. This book really deals with times when we are running out of hope. It is about faith and what is tangible and what is not. It is about coming to terms with your limitations and making most of the given situation. It is actually about finding the balance and how most of the decisions you make as an adult our reflection of what you are and what you inspire to be, so be very thoughtful about them. (the ending was phenomenally great)
  4. If you are fantasy buff this is your trough. (it rhymed, so I had to say it)
  5. If you like science fiction this series definitely will be a good read, if not great.
  6. If you like suspense and mystery, it definitely has all that. It has so much mystery and such great story line progression that I am afraid to even discuss the characters for it easily can be spoiler for someone.
  7. You like to read books with concept of wars and good fighting scenes this happens to have more than enough of that.
  8. One of the best character development trajectories you will read.

Negative:

It can be little slow and long. I mean Sanderson easily writes 700+ pages novels( I am very grateful for that) and all three of these books are that long. But considering it is a mystery and there so many questions you are desperately seeking answers off, he does take, his sweet time getting there and if you are like me: An impatient reader, this book can cause some serious disruptions in your routine😅. (I actually read the last two pages of the last book, so I don’t burst with curiosity.Excuse: I had some serious university work to do and had no time to read for few days)

 

We should have a Sanderson fan club in bookay it is about time. He is one of those writers who really discusses a lot of political theories and religious propaganda in his books.

Forgiveness

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Make allowances for people, command what is right, and turn away from the ignorant. (Surat Al-A‘raf, 199)

Forgiveness. We find it so impossible to forgive and even harder to forget. There is so much good in this world. So much good in people so much that people do for you that makes them deserving for genuine smile by you if nothing else. We find it so hard to forgive those who were not even related to us, with whom we never had the chance to meet, chance to talk to. Chance to know. What gives us the authority on their personal choices? What gives us authority to judge them for things they said or did or lived things which we did not affect us. Remember the people by the good they did for you. The people who listened to you and did not judge even though you did quiet questionable things, even I you are not friends with them anymore. People who spent hours and days with you, who saved something for you, you forgot behind. It’s alright you and them don’t think the same. When I turn back there is a list of people who I don’t talk to anymore. Some who hurt me, some who moved on, who changed, some who made some mean choices. Does all that make them bad people? One has to remember not always we make the best choices, sometimes we do things unconsciously that might hurt someone else. All of us do it, we are humans, we make so many mistakes, we all need to forgiveness, we all want acceptance, we seek forgiveness at some level. We all are sinners, big ones. Do onto others what you want done onto you. So next time you point finger at a person dead or alive, holding them to be judged for what they did or said. Remember you might have done something worse, only difference is that you don’t have a mob judging you. You as Individual or as group of people don’t have the authority to judge or forgive or spew hate. Everyone is responsible for their actions, so am I and so are you. So be nice, with everyone, or silent if niceness comes hard in that situation, even though you are judging them in your heart, try to keep it that way. Life for you and for all people all around you will be so much be easier. Things are so hateful, virtual wars and hate matches the standard of violence like none before, so it would be one drop less in the ocean of unasked prejudice if we don’t contribute.

Gilmore Girls: A Year in Life

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Fall. I am glad they named the last episode fall, because it is my favorite time of the year. Well it used to be when it rained in these dry lands.

Can I start by saying, how good all the cast looks. They really do not look that aged at all, matured or little seasoned maybe. Rory might be the most 20 something looking 30 something.

I totally loved how they managed to retain all the original cast. Well nearly all. It was so like the old Gilmore Girls. The town Kirk, Taylor, Michelle, the Korean choir, Mrs. Kim, town meetings.

I loved the eccentric, dramatic, musical impossible skits. I liked how unreal Stars Hollows is and how it is still bubble wrapped and outer world can never really breach it. Even the phone signals keep getting lost. I totally loved the fact that they were able to bring back, Collin, Robert and Finn back with their eccentricities.

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I am very glad they did four seasons, I liked that they have all their previous friends with them still.

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I loved the Rory-Lorelei back and forth. There movie references that I would never get but its alright because Luke never seems to get them either. I liked that there was Paris and Doyle and Logan and his three crazy musketeers.

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The eccentric, brilliant Paris, who is successful, has kids, who love their nanny, has five-story house with no elevator, the angry, pushy, extremely inappropriate always paranoid Paris, who could accuse her best friend of having affair with her husband and next minute send her out with her kids.

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Jess with his worldly wisdom and a book and a sack. He walks in, fixes things or provides solution without ever overstepping and then leaves. He thinks Lorelei needs a therapist and he is the only one who actually understood Rory’s true calling and pushed her for it. He is Luke’s someone to throw ball with or in Lorelei words to through ball at.

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Alice the super smart kid, who Luke just can’t keep up with but it is much like all other women in his life whom he cant keep up with, but is alright with it.

Dean, with his tallness, and Dean-ness which I always translated into really his Sam-ness because lets face it Dean is Sam, only Dean does not read as much.

Lane and Zack Van, they still have their music thing, the kids and band. How they still jam, and how they are unhappy they are making more money because Zack has to wear a shirt and tie for it. A dress code they think is an insult to their sacred culture of rock.

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Michelle, how he is the sweetest to the guests and manages to say they most awful things about them behind their backs. The snide French man whose accent just does not seems to mellow even though he has been in states for 30 years at least. How he is trying to be nicer to the kids without sounding like a child molester. Right now he is at 6 out of 10, so working to lower that.

Sookie with her heaps of cooking, and how she can smell things which should be impossible to smell. In sink, on table top, on Lorelei’s hair

Emily Gilmore, the stuck up old lady, who knows everyone, has all the money, always gets her own way, ever the blackmailer and can’t help herself from interfering into others life or binding others to herself, in deals they don’t like but eventually get used to.

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Logan Huntzberger with his big gestures and prince charming moves. The perfect couple when they are not being officially a couple. I was so completely happy to find out he still calls her Ace. Their perfect chemistry but worlds too far apart to be in sync.

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The remake could have been stupid full of mistakes, but it really was not. It was as perfect as it could have been. Lorelei and Luke, and Rory and her some what dysfunctional love life.

I kept on wishing Rory would figure it out, but it is Gilmore Girls they always make things impossible before they get somewhere with them.

I really, really do hope they make another season. I hope when they do, the wrap the story with out cliff-hangers. If this was an attempt to see how people will receive the Girls, it was successful because we still love them and they still are the most quirky people.

So much nostalgia watching the four 90-100 minutes episodes. I am just happy they made them, could not really find anything wrong with them.

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The Breaking News Stint

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For last few days the debate that a guard should not have slapped the journalist has  been the hot topic, there is a division like there always is, this was show of patriarchy, he should be arrested, he should not have slapped her  that was fundamentally wrong.

This is not even a debate which covers the real problem,

  1. NADRA offices are not place to go make your 5 minute piece of news, those guys are always over worked and it’s not easy catering to 180 million population, making B-forms, ID cards, renewing ID cards, and all sort of things those people have to do. I have been there three times, first when we needed to register B-form and had birth certificate problem. Second for my CNIC and third when I lost my CNIC and had to get  new one. I did not see one person sitting and chilling, and belive it or not the waiting lines were pretty damn straight. Not saying every branch of NADRA is good, but if anyone noticed from the video it was the journalist who was over excited about slow working of the department, not the silent people standing there.
  2. Since when is it wrong for a constable to do his duty? Apparently according to media it is.  Telling them to get off the government property which was him just doing what he was supposed to do, they were not allowed there, were trespassing and it was within his rights to remove them with force.
  3. Pulling at FC’s uniform, crowding him, saying “tumhara ghar maa, behan hai ka nae”. As unprofessional as possible, attacking his modesty, insulting a man in front of crowd for doing what he is required to do. Where does “maa behen” reference comes in this show of bullying really  outrages me, when you talk about equality you don’t use crutches of “maa behan”. When you are calling yourself a “journalist” a professional, you definitely don’t use crutches “of weaker sex”.
  4. He slapped her, she pulled at his shirt first, how can that be ignored, this is Pakistan a country where no  ‘modest’  women wants to touched aggressively  by an unknown or known  male, and where no “modest” man wants to touched by aggressively by unknown or known  female. Not in Pakistan but such practise is strongly hated by all humans , animals and I assume plants too.
  5. Insulting a constable, a man whose qualification is only higher secondary, who has a salary which barely helps him make ends meet, who stands outside an office day in and day out, in all weathers, who only prides that he has “izzat(honor)” and “wardi(uniform)” what happens if someone takes all what, a working man has, in front of a crowd in front of camera for all the world to see? What about the right to pride of a such person, what about his right to modesty? Why is he required to show restrain and respect when a much more educated, more worldly person is not, even demonstrating an ounce of it? Better flush the modern education and exposure down the drain than.

This was not a twitter joke, it was not about women rights, it was not about how slow NADRA is, this was not some officer of Armed forces with attitude, this was just a constable  and asshole with camera and power of unforgiving, always judging jury of digital media.

Is not it ironic no matter whose side this jury sits on an ordinary person still loses?

The Malleable Heart

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Yesterday I was reading an article, or more like just a headline and the internet trolls had made a feast out of it. Pakistan dissing, cursing and just your regular internet trolling. They somehow manage to find all that is wrong with country while artfully forgetting they are the root of the problem. Such posts are everyday occurrence they can sour one’s mood like vinegar curdles the milk.

Then today I saw a post about some guy buying his cabbie McDonald’s, because he wanted a snack and did not feel right eating by himself when he had another man next to him.

Yeah we are an economic disaster. And not the most morally sound society but when you see, just tiny gestures like this happening, they give you such a warm feeling that you just want to high-five that person and tell him/her it was not just a kind thing they did because they did not feed a starving man or help out a jobless man. They just gave somebody with less fortunate economic conditions, their due respect which so many of us forget to do everyday.

To all those people who thank their help or by gesture show them that they are not just the serving class but an integral part of society without which quiet frankly we can’t really function. I give you a standing ovation. Because people like you make me feel good. Even though I have no part in your act it still does.

‘Image by Artist Kate Powell’