Thoughts

Goodbye

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“When my time comes

Forget the wrong I have done

Help me leave behind some

Reasons to be missed”

I guess we do get what we wish for in the end. Probably why they say be careful what you wish for.

Linkin Park is part my child hood and adolescent. I grew up with two songs, because that was all my hand me down mp3, of my brother could hold. One was “in the end” and other was “malal”. I can’t remember the lyrics only one line per song maximum. But I never forget the song the idea it left behind the tune of it. I did not become a LP fan right away, my brother and his friends listened to it and so I did too. Then came numb and crawling I thought they were too loud. I really did not understand them. I came back to numb because few years later the girl in that song was casted as lead in “Step up 2”. I again listened to that song and saw the video and that was when I became acquainted with the people of that band not just the voices. I was amazed by them .It was a boy band crush for me, only LP was not a boy band, they did not just churn out song after song with lyrics that rhymed but theirs were songs that meant something.

But I think the song I truly fell in love with was “My December” I was actually introduced to that song when I was searching for Abrar-ul-Haq’s song “bhiga bhiga sa ye December hai”. My December is one of their lesser works, one of their lesser songs but there are these lyrics in it

“This is my December
These are my snow covered trees
This is me pretending
This is all I need

And I
Just wish that I didn’t feel
Like there was something I missed”

I am not sure for how many months this stayed on repeat on my mp3 player. Again time moved on and school ended and it was start of college that I had radio on. Yep I was a very regular listener to the radio in those years. There was this song on

“God save us everyone,
Will we burn inside the fires of a thousand suns?
For the sins of our hands,
The sins of our tongues,
The sins of our fathers,
The sins of our young.
No!”

Song lyrics of “the catalyst” from their 2011 album the thousand suns. In my opinion their best work. After that I have not missed LP one album I have listened to them all again and again. LP is not my child hood or adolescent. It was my teens it is my tweens. I just 3 days ago harassed my friend to send me whole of their latest album released this May “One more Light”. This past weekend I was telling my friends how great “Invisible” from that album was. That it is the song I hear to while I work. I was talking to my brother who introduced me to the band telling him LP still has got it, they might have changed their genre but they are all together, their band is intact for the most part and they are awesome and relevant for the most part, that is more than most can say.

I guess I was too quick with my words. I guess I should have not said that. I guess I jinxed it. And now the voice of that band is gone.

So say goodbye and hit the road
Pack it up and disappear
You better have some place to go
‘Cause you can’t come back around here
Good goodbye
(Don’t you come back no more)

“Goodbye” from one more light.

This whole last album feels like on long goodbye note I guess no one really was listening even though there are millions of listeners. There is debate whether what he did to himself was right or wrong. It depends who you ask, my grandmother used to say you have to be person of extraordinary courage to be able to take your life. It is not easy thing to do, to hurt yourself. You know why suicide bombers are dangerous? Because they have no respect for life even their own. But how to you get to a place where you lose respect for your own life? Where you hate your own existence? Where your body and mind separate and your soul cracks? I don’t know. Because it never was that bad for me. Even though I have been joking about suicide with my friends for years sometimes seriously, at times just for fun, but it was never that bad. Even pressing knife on your wrist is scary it will hurt so much I would think. The idea of pain is scary. Holding your breath for too long is impossible. Idea of drinking poison causes phantom pain inside. How much pain one’s mind must be to overpower all those very real and painful physical pains.

Now how much pain all those left behind must be in? All those people who were his friends. Whose father he was and whose god father he was. Whose husband he was and whose colleague he was. For how long I wonder will they wonder about all the things they could have done to prevent this. To help it to fix this. So many ifs in their lives so many regrets so many memories good and bad.

There is this novel by Paulo Coelho “The winner stand alone” there is this philosophy in it, if one person dies, one world dies. I guess one world died today.

Should’ve stayed, were there signs, I ignored?
Can I help you, not to hurt, anymore?
We saw brilliance, when the world, was asleep
There are things that we can have, but can’t keep
If they say
Who cares if one more light goes out?
In the sky of a million stars
It flickers, flickers
Who cares when someone’s time runs out?
If a moment is all we are
Or quicker, quicker
Who cares if one more light goes out?
Well I do”

Lyrics of “One more Light”. It is said to be dedicated to his friend who also took his own life some months back.

Clutter of things

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Standing still in clutter of things

The memories of old stored in each bit

You carry some

Some you throw away

They weigh you down

But you keep them for the sake of old times

Or so you say whenever I ask you, why

But inside you try to find the reason everyday

On busier days you ponder late at night

Chasing away the sleep with tendrils of spite

Spite, you did not know you had before

Till you were among those things again

You still keep them and they remind you of what you had

I don’t know why it was better than what you have

When you do, would you let me know?

Till than I am sure you will stay awake

I can wait or walk away

Maybe I would be a memory you keep

Or a thing you throw away

I wish, I knew

I wish I could stay awake too

Share some of that burden with you

But the lights are bright

And night is not past yet

And you make me feel alone

And I know I don’t deserve to be left behind

So I will sleep but not leave

I guess, I am sucker for memories as well

The Reply

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What you do(say) “may” get done(said) to you.

In last 50 days of summer I have spent a lot of time on internet. As any person still in educational system would do in their long summer vacation. I am not new to internet, but the level of hate, intolerance, bigotry and all the other nice big words we use to define internet pigs and trolls, doings, fell short when I surveyed the comment section.  It really does not matter where you are, Facebook, YouTube, Dawn news,  MSN news, you will have the displeasure to come across over whelming number of these.

The thing is these comments are rarely challenged by anyone, why? Because good people are tolerant and nice and simply the bigger people who have self-taught themselves to ignore them and move on. they would like the video and share it. Most recent example is Theresa May speech on ISIS and Islam. I don’t know this woman and I don’t know her background but when she was reading the speech there was definite effort by her to be convincing and honest. She said that ISIS was not following Islamic teachings in any way. I think that no body has spoken that in more clear terms then her, that specific point.

Yes credibility of speech giver always should be accounted, but the content she recited was perfectly well in the context with her motive, so points for that. So many people choose that moment to spew hate because well nothing like ruining something good. It feels like it has just become a habit of so many ignorant people. They don’t know how to survive in a good environment let alone a peaceful world. Like most places in internet when some act of violence comes up and the people spewing violence relate one way or another to “Islam” even when later on it might not even my Islam related just done my some sick individual who was doing whatever he wanted.

Now most people like to believe they “understand” Islam. When they are not even Muslims or have not even been educated in Islam. Islam is not something you can google and understand or learn. You need educators to teach you Islam in its true sense and form. And most of all you need the environment in which you are ready to be tolerant and understanding. If google was an educator all schools would have been shut down by now. Google tells you stuff it does not teach you anything. Islam is a doctrine of life you need to be taught you ain’t equipped to get it just by google.

Now people say that it’s in Quran to kill non-Muslims. First of all it’s not written like, step outside and start killing people who you feel are not Muslim. This is where comes the desperate need of educators and a lot less google. Yes there are many harsh verses on warfare and (Physical)Jihad inciting killing non-Muslims. All those verses(Ayah)  have “Shaan-e-Nazool” I don’t know the English synonym of that word but it means in Urdu the events which happened which resulted in the revelation of those verses. You see, to understand the significance and the back story and events and circumstances in which that verse becomes something which needs to be enacted upon we relay on Tafsir of Quran. You might be thinking what Tafsir is, it’s usually 7 or more volumes of explanation of verses of Quran. You can think of it as Encyclopedia, which only explains Quran to all humans who obviously do not have the understanding of the exact meaning of that verse. IF you are the person who in this moment is thinking why should it be so complicated? Why do we need to make so much effort? Because dear, why do you study Shakespeare when he was just play writer and poet? Why do you write books and books on understanding philosophy when it sums up to even more nothing. Why do we tangle ourselves in webs of technology which seems unending and very expensive with each weave? If you can’t make the relation still, it’s the knowledge my friend. Knowledge comes with effort. Islam is the doctrine of life, its knowledge, for its followers. Many Muslims don’t always follow it, but many try to, it’s not easy,  its not very simple and at times it challenges you. The beauty of this knowledge is that if you follow it long enough you will start to understand the wisdom and hidden beauty in it.

Sky is blue, water is wet, ISIS is bad. Those are facts. but have you ever tried to question why ISIS happened. Just because Big Brother has you believing that it was always there and they are the reason for all that is wrong in the world. It does not necessarily mean its true. I mean lets face it world was pretty bad place before ISIS. Lets just question Big brother what was he doing for 7 years on the territory before ISIS took the very same territory. The Big Brother claimed that it had sent its troops to eliminate the threat which might affect the World. I don’t know Big Brother but it sure feels like that you meant to implant the threat in the territory which might affect the world.

However every passing day ISIS kills more people it spills blood on the ground. Covering up the land soaked with blood of 100 thousands of innocent men women children, civilization and society. I knew one Iraqi uncle, he once correct by pronunciation of Arabic alphabets. It was few months after the invasion by Big Brother. He was looking for asylum. His family wanted to move to Europe though. We don’t know if they ever made it. Never really heard from him after his return to Baghdad. 20 years of friendship which crossed borders ended  when somebody across Atlantic decided a threat needed to be eliminated, but that’s a story for another time when they are tears to spare.

Coming back to the point what west easily forgets is that how many people this ISIS has killed. And how many of them were Muslim? Overwhelming majority were Muslims. Some people who like to create divisions when they know there is already a huge tension, say that they kill only Shias, a lie. As we all don’t know, very little addressed fact, but a fact that they bombed and killed nearly 8000 Kurdis who are overwhelming of Sunni Maslik. its unfair, its unjust but it’s how popular reporting works, it’s not based upon equity it is based upon drama and what ever would churn up the most negative emotions and incite miscommunication.

You still don’t get what I am trying to tell you. Go watch Zootopia, they beautifully and creatively have broken it down in a way even kids get it now.

 

 

 

 

 

 

Moments of Beauty

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Not every day has to be great day, not everything has to be awesome. Not every plan needs to work out. Most days are just moderate or drag. We fall behind. disappoint, screw up and night comes and we look back and say what a waste and beat ourselves up about it. The thing to remember is its not too late for anything unless you are dead. That is another debate. So lets just focus on things that we have, we have kindness.

Kindness is when you come home and find cold beverage in fridge. When you find food in the oven. Kindness is when you put a water bottle in someone’s room. Kindness is when curtain’s are pulled close in so someone’s sleep does not gets disturbed. Kindness is to give aspirin to some one who might be in pain, and offer them water, without them having to ask repeatedly. Kindness is to remember another’s need along with yours. Kindness is not to remind another of their shortcomings. Kindness is to make someone laugh. Kindness is to listen. Kindness is to offer when not asked, kindness is to care without being reminded. Kindness is granted to each and everyone, just remember the kindness extended to you and be grateful for each little act. That is kindness to onto oneself. Makes breathing easier, existence little brighter. Count the acts of kindness.

i am pretty sure everyone has experienced at least one such act of kindness. Those are moment of beauty the moments that make you feel good make things good. What more can one ask from a moderate day?

 

Tamasha the movie:”My personalized movie review”

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The thing about imagination is that it is incoherent. There is more visual approach to our imagination littered with junk of real life and stories and dreams and what we make up. Imagination is a beautiful thing. A crazy thing, a vivid thing. A thing that we need to make it through the day. Tamasha is a story of man who makes stories of stories. Who lives a story who is a story within himself.
We are two people, one is the person who we see ourselves to be, not really see but more like its the narrator of our brains. It how we think and respond to things the conversation we have with ourselves, the conversation we would have with people we are never going to meet.the things we want to say but never do. The conversation we have have with dead writers and kings and historians. The past that we imagine in our head. The picture of the different worlds and eras dinted with colors of what we know about things and what we think about things. Its a play in our heads, a play where there are similar faced character playing thousand different roles in thousand differnt scenarios. Juliet, laila, heer, sassi or any other heroine of a folk tale. The tale remains the same the place changes. Is not that a living proof of that we have same characters in our head but like hundreds of different scenarios the same story can play out. That’s Tamasha. Running the fine line between who we are in front of the world and who we are in empty house by ourselves. When you start talking loudly to people in your head when Ginn is out of the box, when sword is unseathed, when sun is covered by grey, when cherry blossoms bloom in Rawalpindi when possibility is just conjuring of  a thought away.
Tamsha is a lovestory but its more then that it a story of our deepest desire to know someone who sees us. Who really see the story we are part of. The story we made up. The story that even if put in a novel or movie or series would never be enough. Because in our stories we just can not be one thing. We have to be everything, every character we fall in love with, every era we live through. One novel can just not hold all that. A series of novels cant hold all that. People will never understand why the person who looked like a american teenager in last novel is now twenty something pakistani woman in this one and bella swan’s twin sister in third or a witch in age of Joan of arc or a warrior in ranks of mongols or a princess in mongols. It does not matter who and what your name is you are part of a story. But if you meet a person who see’s your point. Who can actually keep up with the fact that bella swan’s has a twin sister and that girl could easily be a Pakistani girl. Then your world falls out of balance. We had a god thing going this world and i. There was me and people inside of me. It was alright we were in a good place. Then someone sees all of us. My secret is out. They see me as one of them not as a normal person. Balance of my world rests upon this secret. The secret is out means they are out as they are the secret and then they take over, they are angry at me for hiding them for so long for lying to them that no one can see us but when that person see’s us that means there is something in this world some place where it is okay to have people inside you. They might not be real and may not be seen but that does not mean they dont exist and that they are not there.
Tamasha was perfect, i dont know how they did it but it was perfect. Not all of us have same imagination not same agaitation but there is this ismorphism between all of us imaginative lackeys the fine line between what we are and who we are. I loved the movie i smiled all through it. If you dont understand what they were talking about its alright. Its not your fault. One can not miss something they never had. One can never love something they never felt for. One can most definitely not understand someting they dont have any experiance of. Ranbir kapoor, i am no fan, but that man is one man show, everywhere else is just there to asist him. Depika Padukone is most natural actress. All in all i would not recommend. But i could relate to everything in this movie.

Conditional Equity

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Its 12th of December and we are 4 days away from the 1st anniversary of one of the  most tragic incidents happened on civilian population “not in war zone” in this decade.

Around 140  and more children were killed in brutal shooting whose coverage in international media to be honest was non existent. Because lets face it nobody cares when Muslim dies even if they are kids and they even careless if they are in Pakistan because these kids according to the western microscope are potential terrorists.

People keep on posting please don’t compare Paris attack to the APS Peshawar attack . I did not last month but i will today. Lets compare every single inch. Paris attack has been talked and condemned by every single president on every single platform. Twitter was choked with hatred and radicalism by seemingly “enlightened and better” western counterparts who thought exterminating 1.57 billion Muslims was solution of their problems.

People in Paris attack were traced, their stories found and published their friends family shown mourning. Their dreams, hopes, careers explained to pain stalking details to show the pain and loss of their lives and to denounce the method of their death.

What about the kids who died in APS attacks? they were of ages 14 to 16 their graduation from school only few months away .They were kids deciding which university they were going to go to what career they will choose. They were at brink of new beginnings. What about their pain their stories those parents who will never see their sons again those mothers who tended them through sickness, injured knees and elbows to the point they were now able to take care of themselves. They would never know what it would have been like to see their years of hard work and nourishing excel and grow.

Does anyone even ask about those father who have been fighting real war of terrorism in FATA for more then a year defending their borders their country, their country men  and minimizing the threat of terrorism for the rest of world from that particular area, what they felt when they knew that their own kids have been murdered in the most ruthless manner known? It tears me up every time to think about those fathers who were defending humanity fighting the good war but could not save their own kids? What about them? What about their pain? their loss? What about them!!

What about the kids who survived that attack? What do they feel going back to school when their friends are dead? What do those parents feel when thy see their sons which were returned from the mouth of death walk out of the door? Someone so young should not have to deal with that. they should not have to be covered in the blood of their friends they should not have to go through that.

Yeah that is right their is no comparison between APS attack Peshawar and Paris attack their is just no comparison between the situation and what a show of inequality, arrogance, disproportion and disrespect the APS attack martyrs and survivors were handled with just no comparison.

Yesterday was Friday, we Muslims consider it to be a holy day of the week. The day most people try to make to the Namaz Jumma (prayer performed by men in Masjid in afternoon). There was a fire bomb in a Mosque in California,  that news did not even make the top five headlines of MSN news which due to my browser i am follow on regular basis. The news that was present told less about the fire bomb and more about the shooting that happened in San Bernardino.

So the message here for every one including me is from the whole situation ” Every time there will be an attack of violence against Muslims it will be pushed under covers while indirectly making it look like it can be on a level be justified or even glorified by some  as a reaction of the San Bernardino shooting or Paris Attacks or some other act of terrorism .The people who are not Muslim matter more then those are Muslim. Hammer that in you heads already. “

There is no such thing as equality there is no such thing as respect tolerance or whatever the synonym to those words are and used. I am just sad that I would have to live in this intolerant world and that my family will be in this intolerant world. The way things are these  days makes me want to shrivel up inside my self.

What a tragedy we are what a tragedy humanity is in all its scientific progress and glory its modernization and liberalization is proving to be. Makes one wonder the point of progress. What ever that is.

 

 

Lets talk about our I’s and isms.

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I am so bloody angry. I feel like am I am going to suffocate under all the hate that we have for each other in this country. I don’t know where the idea of Pakistan went so damn wrong. We might as well just nuke each other off. Its not we are doing anything with our “atomic” abilities any way .

First there are our “I’s” Pathan, Pashtun ( mind the difference) Punjabi, Sindi, Balochi, once upon time there were Bengali but now they have their own country.

I have seen more tolerance in street dogs when a another wanders in their territory than I have seen in most Pakistani’s for one another. Every single one of us is convinced that they have got it right. “12 kitabain parhta hai aur Aalim ban jata hai saray paraha likha jahil”.

The division in Pakistan is far more complex than most complex chemical formula. We just don’t have a sectarian problem in this country if we only had the sectarian problem life will be half less complicated than it is at the moment. We have a theism and atheism problem. We have liberal and conservative problem. We have a problem with the rich and we have problem with poor. We have a problem with elite culture and we have problem with middle class culture. We have problem with army and there are the ones who happen to worship it. We are democracy lovers and what we love more is making it fail. We have an obsession with freedom what we can not seem to get is freedom does not mean a license to act like wayward imbeciles. Then we have a problem how people dress, women who wear burqa or do niqab are “fundos” and who wear jeans and tees are “baegairat”. The “modern educated class” call the people with beards “taliban” or “harbourers of taliban” either as joke or seriously .You freaking assholes that is insulting! You do know that your Prophet(S.A.W) had a beard? Even Hazrat Issa (A.s) or Jesus Christ had one!

The other class call them moulvis or hajjis either as joke or so seriously that they think these people might be personification of angels (that is a exaggeration but lower income class trust in people with beard is quiet misled) and leads to things which are too shameful and screwed up to even imagine.

Then comes the “-isms” bane of our lives. There is Wahhabism, Sunnism, Shi’ism’, Barelvism, Ahle-hadith, Isma’ilism, these are the ones I know. Not to mention few whose correct spellings I am unaware of or am forgetting them. Honestly there is just not enough land to give everyone their own separate state.

But then came the educated class who love to talk about things they don’t really face. Some how we love our stereotypes. Extremist exist everywhere, in every single kind of sect, ethnicity and culture or what ever separation you happen to believe in. lets not even mention the role of electronic media whose sole job is to provide the news that really does not exist or to blow things out of proportion to a scale that out smarts most of the showbiz tabloids.

In our country the new popular culture and favorite status update seems to be of bashing religious people. On other hand we have the ones who happen to think “facebook” and “twitter” are the platforms to preach religion.

Seriously people wake up thanks to you all we have “Sunni-Islam” and “Shia-Islam”.

Here is a hint for everyone whatever you say won’t change the thoughts people who are prone to think you are a infidel. “itna naaike ka bacha hota na tum saab, tu facebook pa status upload karna wala halaat nae hota”.

So in good nice words get over your self and stop wagging your tongues on each and every incident and stop giving them shape they don’t really have. “khala ka ghar tum logo ka?” Freedom of speech ki maa behan aik kar ka rakh dye hai tum logo na.

There are things you say among friends. That is voicing of unformed ideas. That is thinking brainstorming. Printing your brainstorming for the world to see is really ridiculous. And more over they come off not liberal or cool but as naïve and prejudiced. You are not young enough to come off naïve and not old enough to be forgiven for your prejudices. Imagine every writer starts publishing his or hers first idea of novel? that would suck wont it. Even if it was Tolkein or Rowling or Grisham or who ever. You are neither of those people so imagine how much you suck.

Next time you feel like bashing anyone by that I mean anyone (excluding ISIS only people who no one have enough words to describe) just think that some one is dumping a bucket full of rotten eggs on you. The smell is disgusting just like your words who hurt people who feel insulted by them when they are being blamed for things they never did and never even thought. You with your “honest saying” and “so called truth” are brewing same hate and intolerance which is done by ISIS rockets and AK47s.

This post is for all the wanna be revolutionaries and liberals and free thinkers and smart people and conservatives who think social websites are perfect place for verbal vomits. Congrats facebook and twitter activists and the flag bearers of truth you have out done yourselves once again.