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“When my time comes

Forget the wrong I have done

Help me leave behind some

Reasons to be missed”

I guess we do get what we wish for in the end. Probably why they say be careful what you wish for.

Linkin Park is part my child hood and adolescent. I grew up with two songs, because that was all my hand me down mp3, of my brother could hold. One was “in the end” and other was “malal”. I can’t remember the lyrics only one line per song maximum. But I never forget the song the idea it left behind the tune of it. I did not become a LP fan right away, my brother and his friends listened to it and so I did too. Then came numb and crawling I thought they were too loud. I really did not understand them. I came back to numb because few years later the girl in that song was casted as lead in “Step up 2”. I again listened to that song and saw the video and that was when I became acquainted with the people of that band not just the voices. I was amazed by them .It was a boy band crush for me, only LP was not a boy band, they did not just churn out song after song with lyrics that rhymed but theirs were songs that meant something.

But I think the song I truly fell in love with was “My December” I was actually introduced to that song when I was searching for Abrar-ul-Haq’s song “bhiga bhiga sa ye December hai”. My December is one of their lesser works, one of their lesser songs but there are these lyrics in it

“This is my December
These are my snow covered trees
This is me pretending
This is all I need

And I
Just wish that I didn’t feel
Like there was something I missed”

I am not sure for how many months this stayed on repeat on my mp3 player. Again time moved on and school ended and it was start of college that I had radio on. Yep I was a very regular listener to the radio in those years. There was this song on

“God save us everyone,
Will we burn inside the fires of a thousand suns?
For the sins of our hands,
The sins of our tongues,
The sins of our fathers,
The sins of our young.

Song lyrics of “the catalyst” from their 2011 album the thousand suns. In my opinion their best work. After that I have not missed LP one album I have listened to them all again and again. LP is not my child hood or adolescent. It was my teens it is my tweens. I just 3 days ago harassed my friend to send me whole of their latest album released this May “One more Light”. This past weekend I was telling my friends how great “Invisible” from that album was. That it is the song I hear to while I work. I was talking to my brother who introduced me to the band telling him LP still has got it, they might have changed their genre but they are all together, their band is intact for the most part and they are awesome and relevant for the most part, that is more than most can say.

I guess I was too quick with my words. I guess I should have not said that. I guess I jinxed it. And now the voice of that band is gone.

So say goodbye and hit the road
Pack it up and disappear
You better have some place to go
‘Cause you can’t come back around here
Good goodbye
(Don’t you come back no more)

“Goodbye” from one more light.

This whole last album feels like on long goodbye note I guess no one really was listening even though there are millions of listeners. There is debate whether what he did to himself was right or wrong. It depends who you ask, my grandmother used to say you have to be person of extraordinary courage to be able to take your life. It is not easy thing to do, to hurt yourself. You know why suicide bombers are dangerous? Because they have no respect for life even their own. But how to you get to a place where you lose respect for your own life? Where you hate your own existence? Where your body and mind separate and your soul cracks? I don’t know. Because it never was that bad for me. Even though I have been joking about suicide with my friends for years sometimes seriously, at times just for fun, but it was never that bad. Even pressing knife on your wrist is scary it will hurt so much I would think. The idea of pain is scary. Holding your breath for too long is impossible. Idea of drinking poison causes phantom pain inside. How much pain one’s mind must be to overpower all those very real and painful physical pains.

Now how much pain all those left behind must be in? All those people who were his friends. Whose father he was and whose god father he was. Whose husband he was and whose colleague he was. For how long I wonder will they wonder about all the things they could have done to prevent this. To help it to fix this. So many ifs in their lives so many regrets so many memories good and bad.

There is this novel by Paulo Coelho “The winner stand alone” there is this philosophy in it, if one person dies, one world dies. I guess one world died today.

Should’ve stayed, were there signs, I ignored?
Can I help you, not to hurt, anymore?
We saw brilliance, when the world, was asleep
There are things that we can have, but can’t keep
If they say
Who cares if one more light goes out?
In the sky of a million stars
It flickers, flickers
Who cares when someone’s time runs out?
If a moment is all we are
Or quicker, quicker
Who cares if one more light goes out?
Well I do”

Lyrics of “One more Light”. It is said to be dedicated to his friend who also took his own life some months back.



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Make allowances for people, command what is right, and turn away from the ignorant. (Surat Al-A‘raf, 199)

Forgiveness. We find it so impossible to forgive and even harder to forget. There is so much good in this world. So much good in people so much that people do for you that makes them deserving for genuine smile by you if nothing else. We find it so hard to forgive those who were not even related to us, with whom we never had the chance to meet, chance to talk to. Chance to know. What gives us the authority on their personal choices? What gives us authority to judge them for things they said or did or lived things which we did not affect us. Remember the people by the good they did for you. The people who listened to you and did not judge even though you did quiet questionable things, even I you are not friends with them anymore. People who spent hours and days with you, who saved something for you, you forgot behind. It’s alright you and them don’t think the same. When I turn back there is a list of people who I don’t talk to anymore. Some who hurt me, some who moved on, who changed, some who made some mean choices. Does all that make them bad people? One has to remember not always we make the best choices, sometimes we do things unconsciously that might hurt someone else. All of us do it, we are humans, we make so many mistakes, we all need to forgiveness, we all want acceptance, we seek forgiveness at some level. We all are sinners, big ones. Do onto others what you want done onto you. So next time you point finger at a person dead or alive, holding them to be judged for what they did or said. Remember you might have done something worse, only difference is that you don’t have a mob judging you. You as Individual or as group of people don’t have the authority to judge or forgive or spew hate. Everyone is responsible for their actions, so am I and so are you. So be nice, with everyone, or silent if niceness comes hard in that situation, even though you are judging them in your heart, try to keep it that way. Life for you and for all people all around you will be so much be easier. Things are so hateful, virtual wars and hate matches the standard of violence like none before, so it would be one drop less in the ocean of unasked prejudice if we don’t contribute.

The Breaking News Stint

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For last few days the debate that a guard should not have slapped the journalist has  been the hot topic, there is a division like there always is, this was show of patriarchy, he should be arrested, he should not have slapped her  that was fundamentally wrong.

This is not even a debate which covers the real problem,

  1. NADRA offices are not place to go make your 5 minute piece of news, those guys are always over worked and it’s not easy catering to 180 million population, making B-forms, ID cards, renewing ID cards, and all sort of things those people have to do. I have been there three times, first when we needed to register B-form and had birth certificate problem. Second for my CNIC and third when I lost my CNIC and had to get  new one. I did not see one person sitting and chilling, and belive it or not the waiting lines were pretty damn straight. Not saying every branch of NADRA is good, but if anyone noticed from the video it was the journalist who was over excited about slow working of the department, not the silent people standing there.
  2. Since when is it wrong for a constable to do his duty? Apparently according to media it is.  Telling them to get off the government property which was him just doing what he was supposed to do, they were not allowed there, were trespassing and it was within his rights to remove them with force.
  3. Pulling at FC’s uniform, crowding him, saying “tumhara ghar maa, behan hai ka nae”. As unprofessional as possible, attacking his modesty, insulting a man in front of crowd for doing what he is required to do. Where does “maa behen” reference comes in this show of bullying really  outrages me, when you talk about equality you don’t use crutches of “maa behan”. When you are calling yourself a “journalist” a professional, you definitely don’t use crutches “of weaker sex”.
  4. He slapped her, she pulled at his shirt first, how can that be ignored, this is Pakistan a country where no  ‘modest’  women wants to touched aggressively  by an unknown or known  male, and where no “modest” man wants to touched by aggressively by unknown or known  female. Not in Pakistan but such practise is strongly hated by all humans , animals and I assume plants too.
  5. Insulting a constable, a man whose qualification is only higher secondary, who has a salary which barely helps him make ends meet, who stands outside an office day in and day out, in all weathers, who only prides that he has “izzat(honor)” and “wardi(uniform)” what happens if someone takes all what, a working man has, in front of a crowd in front of camera for all the world to see? What about the right to pride of a such person, what about his right to modesty? Why is he required to show restrain and respect when a much more educated, more worldly person is not, even demonstrating an ounce of it? Better flush the modern education and exposure down the drain than.

This was not a twitter joke, it was not about women rights, it was not about how slow NADRA is, this was not some officer of Armed forces with attitude, this was just a constable  and asshole with camera and power of unforgiving, always judging jury of digital media.

Is not it ironic no matter whose side this jury sits on an ordinary person still loses?

Woman in metro

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She stood swaying with the momentum of the bus. Her one arm encircling the pole for support, her other holding her infant against her shoulder. She had a bag in her hand which she clutched tightly. Her face was deviod of all emotion.she did not look happy or sad, she did look poor. Her worn out shirt that allowed glimpse of her swollen stomach was proof of that. But she did not feel poor. She moved ever so slightly when new passengers got on. Always trying desperately to hold on to that pole. No one offered the sick looking woman with a infant on her shoulder a seat nor did she try to grab one when passengers got off. Probably in life of constants discomforts another 40 minutes of standing in a packed bus did not feel like much. When her infant woke up it did not cry. Just rubbed it’s face against it’s bearer’s shoulder. She smiled at her infant. You know how they write in the romantic novels “her eyes lighted up when she saw him”. I saw that for the first time in my more then score of a life. I saw that woman’s eyes light up with real stars in them or it was the sun reflecting when she looked at her child. I saw her lips curve in the that smile which can light up half the town as in taylor swift ‘s song. I realized that woman was not sad or happy, or why she did not feel poor. She was alone and that child at her shoulder in a small reflexive action of opening her eyes had taken away that loneliness. She got of after that. I will always remember her for her smile.
Everything looks less bigger when you are with someone to walk over it with. Lives seems worth fighting for if you have someone to share it with.
-Zarish Fatima